Hello unblended fam, Hope your doing well on the other side of this screen_

My mind has been every where lately, I wrote this title line to chat about how I have been feeling about year long heart break (sad I know but under my rock hard exterior I am very sensitive) but now I just feeling like typing.

I am a very interesting girl and I say this completely sarcastically as my dream would be to live on a quiet farm away from the noise of life. The part of me I don’t get is the need to be in control of everything (humanly impossible) while still having a mountain of anxieties and a propensity to worry constantly.

Worry about the first guy I fell in love with, was it even love, was it passion, lust, or all of the above?

Worry, that somewhere in my walk with Christ I walk back to the old me that has a habit of looking for love from anything and any person. Will I stay here with someone who loves me (Jesus Christ) or start searching for something that will eventually fade away to make me momentarily “happy”?

Will I be selfish and when things get hard or when I feel alone go back to my comforts of passions of lust, porn, or over eating. The old Mero she is a mess who is stubborn woman who thinks she knows everything. The old me is rebellious usually equating sex to love.

Am I smart enough to make it through a graduate program? Will I crash and burn? Will all my life consist of doubting God and His ability to make me whole?

I write this from a difficult place in my life when I desperately want to be closer to God but all my ugly struggles with my identity, attractions (opposite or same sex), intelligence, pride, and sanity are all in question. When I speak to the Lord about it I expect a million answers but all I get is (and all I really needed);

“The Battle is for the Lord, so why are you stressing yourself

the Battle is for the Lord, so stay silent

Better you place the battle in the hands of the Lord because you cannot endure the fight yourself“

and these verses;

1 Cor 6:9

1 Peter 5:7

Philp 4: 6-7

1 Corit 10:13

Rom 8:1

Because the truth is still the truth whether it stings and while every part of me aches to stay in the old me were I can escape pain or a thirst for intimacy in my habits of sin, God is calling me higher and I want to go. Because even through the heartbreak, confusions about my sexuality, rebellion and extreme doubts about my faith, there was Jesus.

Pouring out unbelievable amounts of love that made me understand why some people are willing to leave [every]thing that we think will make us whole for Him. He loves us so deeply it’s crazy, I never really understood that until the day He asked me to be honest about all of my struggles, he didn’t condemn me or hate me (He also made it clear I didn’t have the license to act on my desires) but asked me to trust Him, to trust that it’s lie to believe my affections, struggles, or doubts are Me rather than the new person He is creating in HIS way, in his image and HIS time.

While I currently wrestle with so many things in my life, there is Jesus speaking to me and being so patient. Even if the road ahead will be difficult and no matter how scary I really want Him to be able to count on me. So though certain parts about my life are more confusing then others, God is asking me to trust Him, will you trust Him too?

So here’s to one of the longest post I have ever written but I hope it encourages you to stay unblended.

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39