The Writers Block

A Young Grateful Lover

The outside of my windows is lined with small snow hills. I had to bust out my snow boots. I like them—they weren’t too pricey. I love the sound of snow boots marching on snow; it’s a specific crunch that I can’t quite satisfy with words. Even so, it’s nice to kick them off and feel the heat emanating from inside my beautiful room. I have curtains now lacy and white. Something small, but it makes me feel so welcome when I get home. My home doesn’t have much charm on the outside; it’s a bit too modern and cold, but I like it. I’m grateful for it. The sound of snow under the weight of my feet and curtains I chose, reminds me of the things that I love currently as I keep moving forward (in body but more so in busy mind).

I remember walking into an old university library, where a random man told me I looked move (mo-veh or mean), but my sister always squeezes my cheeks when I visit and tells me how cute I am.

My family loves me. I feel it in their voices and in the way they love me through my stubbornness. I carry them with me everywhere. This connection manifests in subtle ways. When I hear someone speak English in a mellifluous Creole accent, it reminds me of Mel, of honey, of my aunts, and my parents. When I hear women who speak way too loudly than is appropriate for public, I think of my cousins who are always shouting over the phone, speaking over each other but somehow piecing together jokes and stories well. I enjoy observing my family dynamics, particularly how they joke with each other and how no one stops to ask me why I’m so quiet but lets me join in when I’m ready.

I recall laughing loudly in an old church, and while someone once told me my laugh wasn’t very ladylike, I’ve come to love it as part of who I am. Better than the sound of tears, I suppose. Tears signal to others that something’s wrong, but now I’ve learned to appreciate the sound of my sobs. They melt the veneer of the fake happiness I sometimes wear.

“Whoever told you your eyes were pretty lied.” I adore the look of my eyes in the sun; they are like amber pools of brown. Likewise, I love how colorful and funky I dress; it’s how I feel on the inside—loud, bold, tasteful, and slightly unsightly.

I love that I’m persistent and will find a way to move forward, even when I can’t see the first step. I know how it can be viewed as too forward, but I have no intention of leaving my desires behind, only to regret what I didn’t pursue.

These are my current gratitudes—for myself and for others. I hope to have much life to live, fewer regrets to make, and greater changes to embrace, along with questionable decisions to navigate. But today, I will be grateful for the fact that I like the reflection in shop windows as I walk by, living life in my own quiet world.

I’m grateful for all the ways God has made me, and a reminder to you: though flawed you are wonderful. Let no one take that from you. Don’t let anyone who hasn’t taken the time to truly understand you tell you that you’re full of yourself for loving the reflection you’ve worked hard to cultivate.

This year was difficult, but I am grateful for the unwavering support of those who truly care for me, the unmeasured peace that Jesus has given me, and the continued journey of learning to love myself alongside my growing pains.

I am still often skeptical of people, my faith, and the future, but I am less anxious about being misunderstood and I pay closer attention to those who truly take time to understand me.

May the new year good or bad bring gratitude.

3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

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From the heart

Young & Perfect

Perfection is an interesting concept—difficult to attain, seemingly foolish to desire, yet something I have often strived toward. I hear ‘nobody’s perfect,’ but it’s hard to believe, especially considering that for much of my life, I was not often given the gift of being childish. I don’t mean this in a patronizing way, but as a woman who has been told (in a well-meaning way) that I am ‘mature for my age’ since high school.

My mother is stunning, still beautiful in her older years, but she’s not as soft-spoken as she once was. She has deep wrinkles beneath her eyes, evidence of a life that’s been through hell. Her hair, though, is frozen in the 80s, styled in an Elvis-like slick-back. I remember the day we found a place to live outside of her cream-stained Mazda. It wasn’t much—a small room at the end of a hallway. It had to fit my mom, my brother, my sister, and me.

“Mommy knows you’re upset; I’m upset too, so cry,” my mom said as my sister and I clung to each other in tears.

I’m not sure why we cried. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was uncertainty, or maybe it was just the overwhelming reality of the situation. But it was one of those moments that has always stuck with me, and I am reminded of whenever I watch “coming-of-age” films. I used to watch those movies and think how immature the main characters seemed when they struggled with something that, to me, felt so simple. But then I realized—maybe they weren’t being immature at all. They were just being kids.

It’s strange how those times can feel so frustrating in the moment—like how absent-minded my mom could be and how much stress that added to us as children. But now, looking back, I see that she was doing the best she could, and we were just surviving, doing the best we could too.

When I see my mom now, hunched over and frail, I don’t know what I feel. I know I love her, but in a way, I resent her for burdening me with the need to be strong. I stopped complaining or asking for help years ago, since it often never came. Perfection—or the illusion of it—has kept me stable.

“Why can’t you remember things for me? You know how stressed I am.”
“You have to think of a career where you can support your mom, too.”
“Why isn’t dinner ready, and why is the hallway such a mess?”

What I learned is that my needs are always secondary to others’, and my purpose became being the perfect hollow daughter. Perfection, however, is inhumane. It makes it difficult to know when to ask for help, and I struggle to relax or open up—even to the coolest people. Sometimes, I think I have to be perfect, so they won’t leave, just like when I was younger.

I’ve learned to rely on myself. It’s hard to trust others and even harder to let go of control. I’m praying to learn how to do this—so the next time I feel myself acting immature, I’ll allow it, wonder why I feel so childlike, and give myself the grace to not be perfect.

A random one today, but I’ll leave you this verse;

1 Peter 5:7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

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From the heart, The Writers Block

On Being An Young Woman

A note on my current love life October 9, 2023:

This morning I was rejected by someone I thought was really cool. I liked his laugh, his voice, and always had this overwhelming desire to hold his hand. I share this not because it feels awesome but because for the first time, in relation to my heart, I didn’t lie to myself. I needed to hear a “no” to let go and I didn’t beg to know why or try to prove I was worth his affection. While it hurts, I feel like a woman who is determined to protect her heart even if it means I have to be vulnerable. I think with the next man I’ll even be brave enough to say how I feel from the jump.

A short one today but with much love,

V

My favorite memory from my rejector; The way he seemed to look at me like I was the only girl in the room (or maybe not).

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The Writers Block

Young & Troublesome

When I was younger, I would climb the ten-foot-tall trees outside our ranch-style home in Interlachen, FL. Interlachen is a small town filled with kind people. Memories of friends who always smelled like carrots, bus rides with the entire town’s youths after school, and church events held outdoors on the rustic plains surrounding the only church for miles still paint my mind. I remember in particular when our neighbor dug a large hole in their backyard, covered it in plastic, and filled it with water. We spent most of that hot evening in their makeshift pool. I loved it, like I’ve always loved the feeling of being free, playing in the sun all day, and enjoying life.

Currently, my feet are decorated with cuts and blisters, trinkets from days I hung from those towering birch skyscrapers. Reflecting on my moments of childlikeness, the person I used to be is hard to picture. I vaguely remember the joy of creativity and adventure. In the strange journey of adolescence, I lost my naivety and ushered in pessimism. Ironically, I used to take immense pride in my strength, seeing myself as resilient and pain resistant. Yet today, a growing reflection of myself is in the midst of learning to embrace me and extend parts of my brokenness to others. In an allegoric way the cracks in my heels have reached my heart, were I struggle to understand the emotions that flow from it.

In believing my vulnerabilities exist, even when they escape my understanding, I can share in true bravery the unpolished parts of me. I hope to comfort those who, like tiny puzzle pieces feel too difficult to solve, through accepting God’s love. Since entrusting God and embracing my brokenness has become less confusing and more nourishing. Not in the sense that I don’t feel lost but more that I know there is a hand for me to hold, who will love me even when I feel too complicated to be cared for.

Romans 5:3-4

1 Tim 1: 15-16

15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16 But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.

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From the heart

Young, Restless, & maybe Broken?

Hello unblended fam, Hope your doing well on the other side of this screen_

My mind has been every where lately, I wrote this title line to chat about how I have been feeling about year long heart break (sad I know but under my rock hard exterior I am very sensitive) but now I just feeling like typing.

I am a very interesting girl and I say this completely sarcastically as my dream would be to live on a quiet farm away from the noise of life. The part of me I don’t get is the need to be in control of everything (humanly impossible) while still having a mountain of anxieties and a propensity to worry constantly.

Worry about the first guy I fell in love with, was it even love, was it passion, lust, or all of the above?

Worry, that somewhere in my walk with Christ I walk back to the old me that has a habit of looking for love from anything and any person. Will I stay here with someone who loves me (Jesus Christ) or start searching for something that will eventually fade away to make me momentarily “happy”?

Will I be selfish and when things get hard or when I feel alone go back to my comforts of passions of lust, porn, or over eating. The old Mero she is a mess who is stubborn woman who thinks she knows everything. The old me is rebellious usually equating sex to love.

Am I smart enough to make it through a graduate program? Will I crash and burn? Will all my life consist of doubting God and His ability to make me whole?

I write this from a difficult place in my life when I desperately want to be closer to God but all my ugly struggles with my identity, attractions (opposite or same sex), intelligence, pride, and sanity are all in question. When I speak to the Lord about it I expect a million answers but all I get is (and all I really needed);

“The Battle is for the Lord, so why are you stressing yourself

the Battle is for the Lord, so stay silent

Better you place the battle in the hands of the Lord because you cannot endure the fight yourself“

and these verses;

1 Cor 6:9

1 Peter 5:7

Philp 4: 6-7

1 Corit 10:13

Rom 8:1

Because the truth is still the truth whether it stings and while every part of me aches to stay in the old me were I can escape pain or a thirst for intimacy in my habits of sin, God is calling me higher and I want to go. Because even through the heartbreak, confusions about my sexuality, rebellion and extreme doubts about my faith, there was Jesus.

Pouring out unbelievable amounts of love that made me understand why some people are willing to leave [every]thing that we think will make us whole for Him. He loves us so deeply it’s crazy, I never really understood that until the day He asked me to be honest about all of my struggles, he didn’t condemn me or hate me (He also made it clear I didn’t have the license to act on my desires) but asked me to trust Him, to trust that it’s lie to believe my affections, struggles, or doubts are Me rather than the new person He is creating in HIS way, in his image and HIS time.

While I currently wrestle with so many things in my life, there is Jesus speaking to me and being so patient. Even if the road ahead will be difficult and no matter how scary I really want Him to be able to count on me. So though certain parts about my life are more confusing then others, God is asking me to trust Him, will you trust Him too?

So here’s to one of the longest post I have ever written but I hope it encourages you to stay unblended. 

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

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